The Dictator: A Documentary on Brother Leaders

Here is the full version of my article that appears on the on-line magazine, Chowk.

                                                 
Sacha Baron Cohan's (better known as Borat) is at it again. This time the comic genius promises to enlighten us about the subtle workings of our many Sheikhdoms, Kingdoms, “Jamahiriyas” and Jamhuuriyas – some Islamic and some not so Islamic. The film is called “The Dictator” and the rumour has it that it will be released sometime this summer.

The film is about a heroic dictator "who risked his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed"! The country is the fictitious Republic of Wadiya and the ruler is the “Admiral General” Aladeen. Reportedly, The Dictator is a loose adaptation of the novel Zabibah and the King, which is believed have been written by the former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein.

One can already picture the Muslim blogosphere filled with all sorts of obnoxious outcries at the (perceived) exaggerated mockery of Muslim states and portrayal of stereotypical views about governance in Muslim societies, once the film is released. Cohan and Paramount Pictures will be labelled Jewish conspirators (Cohen is in fact a Jew) and almost all Muslim countries from Morocco to Malaysia are sure to ban it for a variety of reasons, details of which we all know deep inside.

I, for one, strongly disagree. I contend that even a genius like Cohan will fail to exaggerate the sublime workings of our Muslim states and decadence within. In fact, the film will turn out to be an understatement of the indulgencies of our Great Leaders and their fantasies at the lighter moments of life. Still don’t agree? Check this joker out for a taster!


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His Excellency Saparmurat Niyazov Turkmenbasy, was the President for Life of Turkmenistan until his sudden death in December 2006. His greatness was so immense that he renamed a month of the calendar used in Turkmenistan after himself. Following the Islamic teaching perhaps, where the heaven metaphorically lies under the feet of one’s mother, Niyazov named another month in memory of his deceased mummy! One fine morning as he woke up, he banned news reporters and anchors from wearing make-up on television, apparently because he believed Turkmen women were already beautiful enough without make-up!

Niyazov has many other achievements to his name but the greatest of them all has to be the book that he wrote, Ruhnama. Ruhnama is an autobiographical account of dubious or disputed factuality and accuracy. Niyazov first placed copies in the nation's schools and libraries but eventually went as far as to make an exam on its teachings an element of the driving test! It was mandatory to read Ruhnama in schools, universities and governmental organizations. New governmental employees were tested on the book at job interviews.

In March 2006, Niyazov said that he had interceded with God to ensure that any student who read the book three times would automatically get into heaven. (I have read a couple of chapters of the great work and expect to be rewarded appropriately on a pro-rata basis.)

The government required bookstores and government offices to display it prominently and mosques to keep it as prominent as the Qur'an. A report from Central Eurasia Project of the Open Society Institute states that “The teaching of algebra, physics, and physical education has effectively ended in Turkmenistan. In place, students are encouraged to memorize the Ruhnama and chant slogans praising President Niyazov. A 30-year-old engineer reported that "all [his son] learns is passages from the 'Ruhnama', and he has started telling me off because he has memorised more of the book than me.””

Statue of Ruhnama. The cover opens at 8:00 pm each evening
and a recording of a passage from the book is played.

There is an enormous mechanical statue of the book in Ashgabat, the country's capital.Each evening at 8:00 pm, the cover opens and a recording of a passage from the book is played with accompanying video.

Niyazov passed away 2006, only to be replaced by another joker called Berdymukhamedov. Not to be left behind in provision of moral and yet more religious guidance to the Turkmen, Berdymukhamedov has announced to include some of his own scholarly works in the educational curriculum alongside Ruhnama. To be fair to the newcomer, he is yet to name himself the President for Life and hence has better democratic credentials than his predecessor.

To give a sample of the kind of wisdom the book contains, here are some excerpts from Ruhnama;

People like the Dear Brother so much
that they have named this beer and
cigarettes after him.

“The Türkmen people has a great history which goes back to the Prophet Noah .Prophet Noah gave the Türkmen lands to his son Yafes and his descendants.”
“Allah by his sacred command sent the Prophet Noah scriptures including holy orders. The Prophet Noah distributed these to the people of his time. The essence of these pages was, indeed, beautiful ethics. There were sayings like: 
“honour-honesty to young men; virtue to the girls, intellect, sagacity, dignity to the old men and women; nobility to the brides.” 
Prophet Noah taught his children and youth courage, nobility, keeping their promises, hard work, and spiritual virtue. He made them aware that any small problem in any of these would mean a problem in their honesty in general. Türk İman, that is, Türkmen young men considered verbal attacks on their homeland, their relatives and parents, as attacks on their honour and they did not hesitate to struggle against these. 
The Prophet Noah ordered girls, wives and old women to cover their bodies with long, loose dresses, and their heads with head scarves, but left their faces open. “Türkmens’ faces reflect the light of Allah. For that reason sunlight, which is the torchlight of God, should fall on their faces and this should not be prevented.” Prophet Noah also advised repeatedly that men should not hit the faces of their children or wife. As for the woman’s mouth, he ordered them to cover it. This cover become the Türkmen traditional cover or yaşmak. Later he ordered the girls to cover their faces with the extensions of their dresses when they made eye contact with a man and to bite the extension when they heard ugly words.” 

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Sacha Baron Cohan may be a man of many talents and creativity but surely his imagination ceases where our Sheikhs, Custodians, Presidents and Kings begin their tour de indulgence. Perhaps the best he can hope to do in the film is to incorporate the many gems of true stories spread in the length and breadth of the Ummah into an hour and a half mini-epic of the silver screen. The concentrated syrup may induce some laughter in the democratic countries. As for us, the inhabitants of more sober lands, routine cannot be humour. The “official” website of the Republic of Wadiay lists the website of UN Commission on Human Rights as a “hilarious site”. For a Pakistani, where is the humour in that? Do we not think the same? A good many of us are howling that the Oscar won by Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy was awarded because it highlighted an issue of women’s plight that is so dear to the very Commission. Of course, Sharmeen’s ability as a film-maker had nothing to do with the honour.

The Dictator will be a sobering experience. It should be released under the genre of “documentary”. Aladeen can symbolize the ruling class and Wadiya can be any Muslim country of 2012.

(Mohammad Jawad)