Project Jihad and the clutches of it

Here is an article of mine as it appears in The Express Tribune Blog.

Another man, another terrorist incident, another country and another trail of blood-laden footprints leading back to Pakistan. Mohammed Merah, the French citizen of Algerian extraction finally gave himself up and, for better or worse, was shot dead at the hands of the French forces after the prolonged siege at a housing estate. The 23 years old killed 7 Frenchmen, including three solders, to “avenge Palestinian children” and to protest against French military interventions overseas. According to the media reports, Mohammad, just like so many others before him, visited Pakistan twice before going on his killing spree. The purpose, presumably, was to freshen up his shooting skills and to sharpen the pointy bits of his ideology. Any less reformed parts of his faith would also surely have been flattened out while he was at it.

The puritans of the pure land of ours have already taken a deep breath in, ready to burst out in a chorus denying any such link, their ever-sensitive noses sniffing out yet another conspiracy to malign the only “nuclear Muslim country" on part of the West. If there was not so much blood, gore and violence involved, this amusing semi-Newtonian cycle of action, denial, reaction and back to action, would have been an entertainment of a fairly high order.

As far as Mohammad Merah is concerned, a killer has reached the end of the road. There are idiots like him, perhaps not of the same carat, in every other society. Similarly, the world is also not void of charlatans, once again, at least not of the same calibre as ours. What the world has managed to do in the least, and what we still need to figure out how to do, is to keep a fair bit of distance between the two. If one thing needs to be done in the interests of national security, this is it. Pakistan has been the hottest place in the world for quite some time now where charlatans and idiots are allowed to intermingle and interact freely. On account of frequent stories like Mohammad Merah, it seems that the idiots do not even require a visa for the privilege.

The Sioux had a saying that “We don’t inherit this world from our ancestors. We rather borrow it from our children”. Sadly, this ancient mode of thinking is far wiser than what our two successive generations have managed; the pre-Zia generation, so grossly entrenched in the modus operandi of the Pakistan of 1960s and 70s and the Zia-generation, brought up with the Islamisation and Jehad in full swing and now in the process of taking the baton of running Pakistan. Entrenched in preserving and passing on the prejudices of the ancestors gone by, the two generations have ensured that Pakistan of tomorrow does indeed pose a very gloomy picture. Then, of course, there are the overzealous hell-bent in multiplying these prejudices before passing these on, the less said about them the better.

What has been the result? All the accumulated follies of years have taken a toll on the nation’s psyche. We have attained a nuisance value amongst the nations of the world and worse still, we also have learned to exploit and even enjoy it. We even have a word for it. It is called the “geographical importance” of Pakistan. Propagation of Jehadi ideologies, tolerance of medieval places of learning and patronage of extremist elements within the society all contribute towards this geographical importance – read nuisance value - of ours. This sorry state of affairs is all set to continue unless gods choose to interfere and we miraculously are put off targets we so lovingly chose for ourselves.

Will we ever become a normal nation? A nation preoccupied with improving the quality of life, the Human Development Index, the literacy and the life expectancy ratios of its citizens? A passing glance at the projects that will have to be cancelled, Project Jehad being one of them, make it a big ask. The amount of intellectual and physical real estate at disposal of this Jehadist enterprise, so lovingly created by us, will ensure that any attempt at clipping its wings will end up to be a bloody endeavour. One Red Mosque and the extremists within caused havoc for months in that terrible year, imagine a bigger endeavour aimed at introducing a single curriculum, sure to drain all that is held dear at our mudrassas – all at the same time! Goodluck Change!

Perhaps one day, a few Mohammad Meras will get together and end up with something really terrible. That day will bring real change in Pakistan. The world outside will ensure that we burst our bubbles with our own hands. On the current evidence, Project Jehad will continue until then.

Religious Moderation Is Not the Answer

A few years ago, I wrote a theoretical reply to the "Letter to would be Mujahid" written by Imam Zaid Shakir. I was criticising the main theme of moderation that the Imam was propagating but funnily enough, some took it to be a reply on behalf of the extremists. My reply is still available at a website that promotes a more extremist view on matters Islamic (as of today, 25/03/2012). Had they understood the gunpowder that lies within the theoretical reply, they would have shredded the paper it was printed on, than burnt it and then sprinkled the ashes over the Arabian Sea on a windy day. Here is the original letter to a would be Mujahid and here is my theoretical answer as published on the website. I have concentrated the ideas below.

Religious Moderation is in vogue now a days. The murderous routines of our more extreme co-religious have turned it into a badge of honour that is proudly displayed and frequently patted. More and more it is thought of a default position to take on matters religious and one expects no further criticism once within the safety of this fortress. And how exactly does one qualify to be labeled moderate enough to enjoy this safe haven? By retreating from literalist approach to problematic holy texts and proclaiming tolerance for beliefs of others, no matter how unjustified or even dangerous.

While moderation in religion may seem a reasonable position to stake out, can it offer a bulwark against religious extremism and religious violence, a chronic problem facing us for the last few decades? A careful analysis reveals moderation to be part of the problem instead of providing a solace. 

The first thing to note is that Moderation in Islam (and in any other faith) is nothing but an attempt to loosely interpret or simply ignoring much of the holy texts in the interest of living in the modern world. The retreat from scriptural literalism is not due to a new light that has suddenly been discovered from the holy texts on a fine morning but it is the result of blows coming from the demonic achievements of modernity that have put certain tenants of the faith to doubt. Scientific advancements, concern for human rights, fruits of liberal-democratic politics, an end to cultural/geographic isolation and the emergence of a general tendency to value a proposition in proportion to the evidence for it, has led to religious moderation. The door did not open from inside, it was rather a result of these ideas steam-rolling in with a force. Put plainly, a moderate is simply unhappy at the personal and social cost a full embrace of scriptures imposes on him/her. 

Similarly, the unhappy marriage of scriptural retreat and tolerance results in another wiggly by-product, namely, denialism. When no amount of contortion is enough why not just bury the head in the sand and create a bogey? There is a genuine attempt to create an illusion of a debate where none exists. The result is that the opportunity for correction or improvement is lost and even a fair critique is diluted at best or neutralised at worst. Think of how many still believe the epidemic suicide bombings in Pakistan to be a result of American presence in Afghanistan. In the process, a more direct link between violent interpretations of scriptures and violent actions of the perpetrators is denied or ignored. No explanation is offered as for the additional motivation of a select few presumed victims of aggression that go on a suicidal killing spree, although hundreds of murders take place across the land every day. 

Moderation in Islam has its own sweeteners for those with a weakness for it. It is called "Ijtihad". Cherished as an ultimate slayer of resistance to progress, it turns out to be rather blunt when wielded on an extremist red in tooth and claw. Firstly, the room for Ijtehad will be microscopically small as an extremist's understandings about designs of god is generally unrivalled. The moderate's rainforest of issues requiring Ijtehad would have shrunk to an indoor-plant grown in a pot when seen through some extremist eyes. And then, who is to say that the extremist's Ijtehad is any less valid? We got the permissibility of suicide bombing using this very tool. For every Ghamadi using Ijtehad, there will be a Zawahiri throwing his weight around. 

It may all begin with the best of intentions but moderation has an eternal, damned dilemma to contemplate with. Once a certain bridge is crossed without using the tools of intellect, reason and logic, you simply cannot invoke them later on to save yourself. It is nonsensical to think that believing in certain things without evidence and through recourse to religious texts is a virtue but when another uses the same processes and ends up wrapped in a suicide-belt, rationality and logic should come to rescue. 

Moderation is a survival tactic and the first line of defence for a very illogical view of the Universe and the matters within. It feeds on a myth that terrible things committed in the name of religion are not the product of faith per-se but are the result of human imperfections (greed, lust for power, ignorance etc). The result has been an unreasonable discourse on matters public and private. Humanity will eventually get to the truth like it always has. Perhaps the best religious moderation has hoped of is to delay it by a thousand years.

Why am I a Muslim?

Why am I a Muslim? For that matter, why does anyone belong to Islam or any religion at all? Do we adhere to Islam because we searched for The Truth and the answers it provided were the sanest and most appealing to the intellect? Or is our adherence the result of an accident that we were born to parents who were Muslims by pure chance and/or into societies that followed Islam as a religion? Could there be more to the picture than meets the eye?

This is one fundamental question that tramples on any religion’s real estate and one would expect that elaborate dogma has been erected to protect this. Mindful of these dangers, it may become an epic quest to find an intellectually satisfying answer. Perhaps the reason is that, genuine delusion aside, we all want to sound more assured and reasonable than we really are.

If the question is posed to a random sample of Muslims, you are sure to come across a wide variety of interesting replies from the faithful but what gets me every time is the deep and a sort of innocent conviction with which these notions are held. Typical answers one would come across will be some sort of variation of “because it is the right religion”, “it is a complete way of life that teaches you everything from the cradle to the grave”, “there is no better religion”, “I have read the Qura’an and the beauty of it drew me to Islam”, “Islam is the closest thing to human nature and everything in it is in complete harmony” or that “reading about Muhammad’s (SAW) life drew me to Islam and the beauty of the character he portrayed sucked me”. A more sophisticated reply may include a mixture of the above and may even add some other aspects into the equation.

One can expect to hear all shades of answers but, interestingly, the chances are that the missing answer will be “because my parents are Muslims and I have been raised in Muslim surroundings”. We are all products of our surroundings and although we like to think of ourselves as rationalist and reasonable, the evidence suggests otherwise.

Here is the case.

According to World Christian Encyclopaedia, the most reliable and scholarly accepted source of statistical information on religious trends, total number of the world population that converted from one religion to another during 1990 to 2000 is 31 million. This translates into the fact that less than 0.58% of people changed their religion in the 10 years between 1990 and 2000. The remaining 99.42% of us were completely happy with what religion we were born into. Those “born again Muslims” or “born again Christians” are “born again” into the same religion of their parents as well. This is a mind-bogglingly small figure; for comparison, there were 70 million blind people in the world in 2011.

A look at the figures for Islam only also reveals the same story. 865,000 people embraced Islam per year from 1990 to 2000. This is an increase of 0.10% per year in Muslims through conversion.

What is more interesting is that the figures above do not include “worldly” reasons of conversion like marriage or to get a better chance in succeeding in a society that is against one’s religion.

A look at the statistics alone reveals that we adhere to a religion based on what religion we were born into.  The issue is that why we like to cover this blatant fact into all sorts of rationality or lack thereof? What is wrong with admitting as such and why should further justification be required?

Going back to the question poised at the start again, why am I a Muslim? I think it is perfectly fine to justify one’s adherence to a religion by pointing to the above facts alone. Just like I am not expected to justify other aspects of my accidental birth like the colour of my skin or the shape of my eyes, I am also not required to justify my adherence to Islam. I am a Muslim because I was born in a Muslim family. I am ordinary and humble enough to concede that I will fall into the 99.42% of Muslims (and born-again-Muslims) who are Muslims because they were born into Islam. I am at peace with this fact.

(Mohammad Jawad)

The Dictator: A Documentary on Brother Leaders

Here is the full version of my article that appears on the on-line magazine, Chowk.

                                                 
Sacha Baron Cohan's (better known as Borat) is at it again. This time the comic genius promises to enlighten us about the subtle workings of our many Sheikhdoms, Kingdoms, “Jamahiriyas” and Jamhuuriyas – some Islamic and some not so Islamic. The film is called “The Dictator” and the rumour has it that it will be released sometime this summer.

The film is about a heroic dictator "who risked his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed"! The country is the fictitious Republic of Wadiya and the ruler is the “Admiral General” Aladeen. Reportedly, The Dictator is a loose adaptation of the novel Zabibah and the King, which is believed have been written by the former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein.

One can already picture the Muslim blogosphere filled with all sorts of obnoxious outcries at the (perceived) exaggerated mockery of Muslim states and portrayal of stereotypical views about governance in Muslim societies, once the film is released. Cohan and Paramount Pictures will be labelled Jewish conspirators (Cohen is in fact a Jew) and almost all Muslim countries from Morocco to Malaysia are sure to ban it for a variety of reasons, details of which we all know deep inside.

I, for one, strongly disagree. I contend that even a genius like Cohan will fail to exaggerate the sublime workings of our Muslim states and decadence within. In fact, the film will turn out to be an understatement of the indulgencies of our Great Leaders and their fantasies at the lighter moments of life. Still don’t agree? Check this joker out for a taster!


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His Excellency Saparmurat Niyazov Turkmenbasy, was the President for Life of Turkmenistan until his sudden death in December 2006. His greatness was so immense that he renamed a month of the calendar used in Turkmenistan after himself. Following the Islamic teaching perhaps, where the heaven metaphorically lies under the feet of one’s mother, Niyazov named another month in memory of his deceased mummy! One fine morning as he woke up, he banned news reporters and anchors from wearing make-up on television, apparently because he believed Turkmen women were already beautiful enough without make-up!

Niyazov has many other achievements to his name but the greatest of them all has to be the book that he wrote, Ruhnama. Ruhnama is an autobiographical account of dubious or disputed factuality and accuracy. Niyazov first placed copies in the nation's schools and libraries but eventually went as far as to make an exam on its teachings an element of the driving test! It was mandatory to read Ruhnama in schools, universities and governmental organizations. New governmental employees were tested on the book at job interviews.

In March 2006, Niyazov said that he had interceded with God to ensure that any student who read the book three times would automatically get into heaven. (I have read a couple of chapters of the great work and expect to be rewarded appropriately on a pro-rata basis.)

The government required bookstores and government offices to display it prominently and mosques to keep it as prominent as the Qur'an. A report from Central Eurasia Project of the Open Society Institute states that “The teaching of algebra, physics, and physical education has effectively ended in Turkmenistan. In place, students are encouraged to memorize the Ruhnama and chant slogans praising President Niyazov. A 30-year-old engineer reported that "all [his son] learns is passages from the 'Ruhnama', and he has started telling me off because he has memorised more of the book than me.””

Statue of Ruhnama. The cover opens at 8:00 pm each evening
and a recording of a passage from the book is played.

There is an enormous mechanical statue of the book in Ashgabat, the country's capital.Each evening at 8:00 pm, the cover opens and a recording of a passage from the book is played with accompanying video.

Niyazov passed away 2006, only to be replaced by another joker called Berdymukhamedov. Not to be left behind in provision of moral and yet more religious guidance to the Turkmen, Berdymukhamedov has announced to include some of his own scholarly works in the educational curriculum alongside Ruhnama. To be fair to the newcomer, he is yet to name himself the President for Life and hence has better democratic credentials than his predecessor.

To give a sample of the kind of wisdom the book contains, here are some excerpts from Ruhnama;

People like the Dear Brother so much
that they have named this beer and
cigarettes after him.

“The Türkmen people has a great history which goes back to the Prophet Noah .Prophet Noah gave the Türkmen lands to his son Yafes and his descendants.”
“Allah by his sacred command sent the Prophet Noah scriptures including holy orders. The Prophet Noah distributed these to the people of his time. The essence of these pages was, indeed, beautiful ethics. There were sayings like: 
“honour-honesty to young men; virtue to the girls, intellect, sagacity, dignity to the old men and women; nobility to the brides.” 
Prophet Noah taught his children and youth courage, nobility, keeping their promises, hard work, and spiritual virtue. He made them aware that any small problem in any of these would mean a problem in their honesty in general. Türk İman, that is, Türkmen young men considered verbal attacks on their homeland, their relatives and parents, as attacks on their honour and they did not hesitate to struggle against these. 
The Prophet Noah ordered girls, wives and old women to cover their bodies with long, loose dresses, and their heads with head scarves, but left their faces open. “Türkmens’ faces reflect the light of Allah. For that reason sunlight, which is the torchlight of God, should fall on their faces and this should not be prevented.” Prophet Noah also advised repeatedly that men should not hit the faces of their children or wife. As for the woman’s mouth, he ordered them to cover it. This cover become the Türkmen traditional cover or yaşmak. Later he ordered the girls to cover their faces with the extensions of their dresses when they made eye contact with a man and to bite the extension when they heard ugly words.” 

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Sacha Baron Cohan may be a man of many talents and creativity but surely his imagination ceases where our Sheikhs, Custodians, Presidents and Kings begin their tour de indulgence. Perhaps the best he can hope to do in the film is to incorporate the many gems of true stories spread in the length and breadth of the Ummah into an hour and a half mini-epic of the silver screen. The concentrated syrup may induce some laughter in the democratic countries. As for us, the inhabitants of more sober lands, routine cannot be humour. The “official” website of the Republic of Wadiay lists the website of UN Commission on Human Rights as a “hilarious site”. For a Pakistani, where is the humour in that? Do we not think the same? A good many of us are howling that the Oscar won by Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy was awarded because it highlighted an issue of women’s plight that is so dear to the very Commission. Of course, Sharmeen’s ability as a film-maker had nothing to do with the honour.

The Dictator will be a sobering experience. It should be released under the genre of “documentary”. Aladeen can symbolize the ruling class and Wadiya can be any Muslim country of 2012.

(Mohammad Jawad)

Wisdom of the East - Translated for the West

١) شفقت پدری صرف ایک باپ اور شیر مادر ایک ماں کا خاصا ہے- (شاہ والی اللہ ^رح)

(Fatherly love and motherly milk can only be provided by a father and a mother (Shah Wali Ullah)

٢)صبر میرا ہتھیار، توکل میری آنکھیں، اور تدبّر میرا زیور ہے- (محمّد شاہ رنگیلا )

(Patience is my weapon, reliance on God is my sight and intellect is my jewlery (Mohammad Shah Rangeela)

٣)خدا کی قسّم وہ قوم ہلاک ہو گئی جس کے مرنے والوں کی تعداد اس کے پیدا ہونے والوں کی تعداد سے زیادہ ہو- (شاہ والی اللہ ^رح)

(By God that nation has perished (in history) that has more people dying than those that are being born (Shah Wali Ullah))

٤)کام، قوم اور قسمت اخلاص کے تین پہلو ہیں- (واصف علی واصف ^رح)

(Work, nation and luck are three dimentions of sincerity (Wasif Ali Wasif))

٥)اگر تجھ میں صبر نہیں تو پھر جو چاھے کر- (محمود غزنوی ^رح)

(If you do not have patience, do whatever you please (Mahmood of Ghaznee))

٦)ہلاک ہو گیا وہ شخص جس کو کئی دن سے بھوک لگی اور کھانے کو "پھک" بھی نہ ملا-(جنید بغدادی)

(Verily that man has died that has gone hungry for many a days and did not even get dirt to eat (Junaid of Baghdad))

٧)جس قوم کی تلواریں جتنی تیز اور گھوڑے جتنے زیادہ ہوں اس کی عورتیں اتنی ہی بدصورت ہوتی ہیں- (الپ ارسلان مونگولیوں کے ہاتھوں شکست کے بعد)

(The shinier are the swords of a nation and the more numerous are their horses, the uglier are their women (Alap Arsalan, talking to his advisors after defeat at the hands of the Mongols))

٨)اپنے بچوں کو تیر اندازی سکھاؤ کہ ان میں صبر پیدا ہو - (ہارون الرشید ^رح)

(Teach your children archery so that they may grow in patience (Haroon ur Rasheed))

٩)جو قوم صرف غدّار جنم دیتی ہو اس میں اخلاص نہی- (شہاب الدین غوری ^رح)

(The nation that only gives birth to traitors lacks in sincerity (Shahabud din Ghori)

١٠)تلوار کی دھار پر رقص و سرود کا اپنا ہی مزہ ہے- (محمّد شاہ رنگیلا)

(sorry, this can’t be translated)

١١)"شوگر" کا علاج گھیا کدو میں ہے- (حکیم لقمان ^رح)

(Cure of Diabetes lies in a vegetable that can’t be translated. (Hakeem Luqman)

١٢)زیتون کے بیج میں کینسر کے مرض کی شفاء ہے- (حکیم لقمان ^رح)

(Cure for cancer lies in the seeds of olives (Hakeem Luqman))

١٣)جنگ کھیڈ نہی ہوندی زنانیاں دی- (ابن خلدون ^رح)

(War is not a game played by aunties (Ibn e Khuldoon))

١٤)اطاعت، فرمابرداری، علم فلکیات اور علم الاعداد میں نے اپنی ہندو ماں سے سیکھے- (شہزادہ سلیم)

(I learned obedience, obedience (don’t know the difference in meaning between the two Urdu words), astronomy and mathematics from my Hindu mother (Prince Saleem, son of Akbar the Great)

١٥)جو سکون ٹوپیاں سی کے میدان جنگ آباد کرنے میں ہے وہ شاعری میں کہاں- (اورنگزیب عالمگیر^رح)

(The tranquillity that one finds in going into a battlefield after making some hats can’t be found in poetry (Aurangzeb Alamgeer))

١٦ میدان جنگ میں میری صرف تین کمزوریان ہیں- عورت، رن اور صنف نازک- (محمّد شاہ رنگیلا )

(I have only three weaknesses in the battlefield; women, ladies and the fairer sex (Mohammad Shah Rangeela))

١٧) خدا کی قسّم جس کے ہاتھ میں میری جان ہے، نامردی کا علاج صرف صبر میں ہے- (نامعلوم)

(By God who is the Sustainer, the cure for impotency lies in patience (an unknown Aalim/Hakim))

١٨)ہلاک ہوا وہ آرمی چیف جو آزاد عدلیہ کے سامنے پیش ہوا اور سویلین حکومت کی بادشاہی مانی- (جرنل اسلم بیگ)

(If you don’t understand Urdu, you won’t get it)

١٩)میں ہندوکش کی پہاڑیوں میں سروں کی فصلیں کٹتے دیکھ رہا ہوں- (جرنل حمید گل)

(If you don’t understand Urdu, you won’t get it)

٢٠)دخول اور خروج کے مسائل میں ہم نے مغلوں کو سب سے بہتر پایا- (شیخ احمد سرہندی ^رح)

(If you don’t understand Urdu, you won’t get it)

٢١)اگر میدان جنگ میں فاتح رہنا چاہتے ہو تو اپنی نیند پر قابو رکھو-(قطب الدین ایبک ^رح)

(If you wish to succed in the battlefield, control your sleep (and sleeping habbits) (Qutb ud Din Aybak))

A solution to the problem of Acid Attacks in Pakistan.

Film-maker Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy's triumph in becoming the first Pakistani to win an Oscar has been greeted with a mixed reception back home. She won the award for best documentary in the short subject category for her film “Saving Face”, about acid attacks on women. The film chronicles the work of acclaimed British-Pakistani plastic surgeon Mohammad Jawad (yes, my namesake).

Some have celebrated the occasion for Sharmeen’s achievement as a film maker while others have found the award to be a conspiracy to defame Pakistan internationally. The detractors point to the situation of other women so dear to the “right wing” sentiments and question how documentaries highlighting their plights are not acclaimed internationally. The issue of Aafia Siddique is one such example.

I have decided to solve the issue once and for all. My solution will not only benefit the potential victims of acid attacks in Pakistan, it will also be a humble addition to the many lists circulating on the internet at any given time about great Muslim inventions. Problem solved. Human Rights organisations and the world, take note.

The solution is….. Face Protection Mask. Some samples are given below. I have also provided links to some sellers at the end for those interesting in buying. I make no profit from this.

For those who are not interested in burying their heads into sand and really want to help, can check this website. 

 

For those women who are also interested in covering their faces.

 The masks can be bought here.

The Brother Dictator: A preview.

I am really looking forward to the release of Sacha Baron Cohan's (better known as Borat) new film "The Dictator". The rumour has it that it will be released sometime this summer. I am a real admirer of Cohan's creative humour and his ability to make people drop their guards and let their darker sides spill out.

The film is about an autocrat "who risked his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed"! Reportedly, The Dictator is a loose adaptation of the novel Zabibah and the King, which is believed have been written by the former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein.

I am still rolling on the floor with laughter after looking at the military decorations our Great Leader-Brother is wearing in the poster of the film. How true! Our megalomaniac leaders-cum-idiots like to acclaim all sorts of titles for themselves. Starting from Ayub Khan, who appointed himself the Field Marshall of Pakistan Army when he was the President of the republic as well as the commander-in-chief of the country’s armed forces, the art was perfected by Adi Amin. Idi “Dada” Amin converted to Islam (to get some aid from our other great friend Qaddafi) and his full self-bestowed title ultimately became "His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor, Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular", in addition to his officially stated claim of being the uncrowned King of Scotland. Needless to say, he was not a recipient of a Distinguished Service Order (DSO) or a Military Cross (MC). He conferred a doctorate of law on himself from Makerere University, and the Victorious Cross (VC) was a medal made to emulate the British Victoria Cross.

I am sure that Cohan will show the subtle details of how our Sheikhdoms and Kingdoms and "republics" work in the Muslim world. Reminds me of the modalities employed by our "democratic" hero, Nawaz Sharif in chose his Chief of the Army, General Musharaf, while he was the Prime Minister of Pakistan. Musharaf was superseded over several generals, not based on merit or ability but rather because his ethnic background was from a minority province and Nawaz thought that to be of much less a threat to his position as the Prime Minister of Pakistan. Musharaf went on to boot Nawaz out of power and threw him in jail while declaring himself the "Chief Executive" of Pakistan. Reportedly, he could not think of a more exotic title than a CEO!

Watch this space for a review once the film is released!

Here is a trailer of the film. Looks hilarious!

(Mohammad Jawad)

Some Desi Photo Captions!

Morgan to Ajmal: "Fhir! .... Fhir!.... Chawal jiya, tenu kiya vi si doosra naeo karana".

Ashwin to the rest of the Indian squad : "Naso begharato, Misbah te Azhar Ali "tuk tuk" karan lai aa rae ne".

Monty to himself: "££$£$%$$^@...... Sap,..... !"£"£%£$%##~....pitch te..... sap....."£$"£%'@##".

On the lighter side of life - W G Grace

You might have seen the picture of this bushy gentleman, W G Grace (1848-1915). He is one of the pioneers of cricket and the reason behind the popularity of the game in its early years. Every test match between Australia and England was the biggest sporting event in the world in those days and for most of the crowd, he was the sole reason they had come to watch. He had such an influence on the game that while playing against South Africa XI, the scorer made his total to be 392. Grace told him “to round it off to make it 400”. He did exactly that!

But the biggest surprise is that he used to make around £400,000 from cricket in today’s currency in those years despite cricket being an amateur sports! This amount is more than what Shane Warne used to get in his heydays in early 2000s despite all the TV rights, endorsements and commercialisation of the game. And Warne was the most highly paid cricketer at the time.

 

He was also one of the world’s first sportsman to endorse a product and his face was the most recognisable face in the world after Queen Victoria.

David Firth writes “His bowling was accompanied by chatter that would be appreciated by modern chirpers in the field, though it was frowned upon in an age when courtesy and good manners were cherished. Naïve batsmen were sometimes invited to look at a flock of birds (sometimes imaginary) flying over a corner of the field - always directly across a dazzling sun of course. At his favourite position of point, he liked to air his views on batsmen and the state of the game, a practice even more annoying in view of his surprisingly high-pitched voice.”

Amazing grace!

(Mohammad Jawad)

Iran, Zaid Hamid, fake photos and Husni Mubarik!

I recently came across an old fake picture released by the semi-official Iranian news agency, FARS News. The jokers were at it once again. The story went that “a hideout in Iran's south-eastern city of Zahedan was conquered, Iranian police discovered several US-made remote controlled detonators there”. Of course the intention of the terrorists was to “sow discord between Shiite and Sunnite Muslims”. The story remained on their newswire for over 24 hours. It later transpired that the photograph used as 'evidence' was a (badly) Photoshopped and wholly fraud, no doubt aimed at discrediting the US.

This reminded me of another fakery that the media arm of the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, Sepah News (yes, Iranian counterpart of ISPR) committed. Apparently, Iran tested some missiles whereas one missile failed to launch. Not to be undone by this technical hitch, the Revolutionary Guards fixed the fault using Photoshop! Easy!

The first picture is the faked one, while the second is the original that the Sepah News later released once the emperor was discovered without his clothes by the whole world.

Top, the image that Agence France-Presse obtained from Sepah News on Wednesday. Below, another image that The Associated Press received from the same source on Thursday, which appeared to be taken from the same vantage point at almost the same time. 

This makes me think that there are still some sane elements in the Revolutionary Guards. If our very own defence and security expert, Sir Zaid Hamid, was in charge of the Iranian ISPR, perhaps this is how he would have fixed the technical glitch in the launch of missiles with the help of his (pirated) Photoshop!

Staying on the topic of pictures faked on behalf of our clowns to fool the public, does anyone remember this joker?

When in his pomp, to impress the boss, the most widely circulated state-run newspaper in Egypt, Al-Ahram, altered the picture below to show Mubarik at the front, rather than the back, of a group of leaders who met at the White House to talk about peace in the Middle East.

Here is what the scene looked like in reality.

 

The editor explained, after caught with his pants down, that he wanted to show that Mubarik was playing a leading role in the talks!

Taking cue from this, a few others had a go at showing Mubarik in a leading role!

 

 

And finally, it seems that the Iranian version of ISPR is rather good with its (pirated) copy of Photoshop. According to this report below, it simply copied and pasted pictures of model aircraft made out of plastic, into the website of Iranian Foreign Ministry to show the strength of the Iranian Air force and its “latest weapons”!

However, real pictures of Iranian military successes are also regularly released by the government-run news agencies. According to Sipah News, the jet on the left came first in a race to get to and destroy a dummy target during a practice run of an attack on Israel.

(Mohammad Jawad)

Dilemma of the Muslim World – Sheikhs or Scientists?

GDP and Poverty - lands of broken dreams;

The Muslim world is in a terrible state. The combined annual GDP of 50 Muslim majority countries remains a grand total of $4.8 trillion. This is a rather sorry figure as USA alone produces goods and services worth $15 trillion while the corresponding figures for China ($5.8 trillion) and Japan ($5.4 trillion) remain comfortably above that of the entire Muslim world combined. Even India’s GDP is estimated at over $5 trillion on purchasing power parity basis.

The oil giants of Saudi Arabia, U.A.E., Kuwait and Qatar collectively produce goods and services (mostly oil) worth $1 trillion.  South Korea alone has a higher annual GDP while the tiny island state of Taiwan produces goods and services worth $0.8 trillion.

Of the 50 poorest countries in the world, half are Muslim majority countries, including Pakistan. Muslims are 22 percent of the world population and produce less than seven percent of global GDP. Even more worrying is the fact that the Muslim countries’ GDP as a percent of the global GDP is going down over time.

 The Arabs, it seems, will be particularly worse off in the coming years. The United Nation’s Arab Human Development report of 2009 says “In addition to oil rents, Arab economies depend on rentier income from property, from foreign goods import agencies, and from financial and exchange operations; they have yet to enter the age of revenues derived from the technological capacity to produce modern goods and services based more on knowledge than on manual labour.”

Another important fact to consider is that the figures above look better than they really are. All of the above figures relate to 2010 when most of the developed world was in the middle of a deep economic crisis. At the same time, the Muslim world was enjoying a time of relative prosperity because of high petroleum prices. Once normalcy resumes and our natural resources begin to wear thin, an even grimmer situation awaits us.

Knowledge is Power;

Fifty-seven Muslim majority countries have an average of ten universities each for a total of less than 600 universities for 1.4 billion people; India has 8,407 universities, the U.S. has 5,758.

Over the past 105 years, 1.4 billion Muslims have produced eight Nobel Laureates while a mere 14 million Jews have produced 167 Nobel Laureates. Of the 1.4 billion Muslims less than 300,000 qualify as ‘scientists’, and that converts to a ratio of 230 scientists per one million Muslims. The United States of America has 1.1 million scientists (4,099 per million); Japan has 700,000 (5,095 per million).

Dr Farruk Saleem writes, “As per data collected by the UNDP, literacy in the Christian world stands at nearly 90 per cent and 15 Christian-majority states have a literacy rate of 100 per cent. A Muslim-majority state, as a sharp contrast, has an average literacy rate of around 40 per cent and there is no Muslim-majority state with a literacy rate of 100 per cent. Some 98 per cent of the 'literates' in the Christian world had completed primary school, while less than 50 per cent of the 'literates' in the Muslim world did the same. Around 40 per cent of the 'literates' in the Christian world attended university while no more than two per cent of the 'literates' in the Muslim world did the same.”

Also consider, for instance, that Muslims constitute 22 percent of world population with a 1 percent share of Nobel Prizes. Jews constitute 0.23 percent of world population with a 22 percent share of Nobel Prizes. From within 1.4 billion Muslims Abdus Salam and Ahmed Zewail are the only two Muslim men who won a Nobel Prize in physics and chemistry (Salam pursued his scientific work in Italy and the UK, Zewail at California Institute of Technology).

A curious case of wrong priorities; Sheikhs or Scientists?

Now contrast this material state of affairs with the “spiritual” and “divine” aspect of things and take Pakistan as a test case. Pakistan has the highest number of “Sheikh-ul-Hadith” and “Sheikh-ul-Quran” in the world (these are the highest qualifications one can attain in Islamic Studies in the Sub Continent). The numbers of qualified experts in Islamic legal matters, Mufti, are also second to none. This is in addition to many self-proclaimed Reformers of the Century (Mujadid), that we have produced. The country also has the biggest and, on Fridays, most densely packed mosques in the world but is also among the countries with the smallest scientific expenditure per head. While mosques are flourishing and expanding (please don’t pounce on it, the criticism is not on the increasing numbers of mosques), the libraries and laboratories are not even keeping up with the pace of population increase.

The whole country of 170 million Muslims has fewer than 30 universities. Contrast this with a random example of a minor university from Scotland. Glasgow Caledonian University, with 14,000 students, has a higher budget than the entire higher education sector of Pakistan combined. Incidentally, Scotland, with a population of 6 million has 15 universities, 10 of which are in top 400 universities in the world.

There are more “Hafiz” of Quran (a Hafiz is a person who memorizes Quran by rote) in Pakistan than all the rest of the world combined but it is also the land with the smallest number of scientists per head of population in the world. 40% of all book/magazine titles published in Pakistan are related to religion in some way and it produces some cutting-edge and most up to date religious commentary in the world while quality research publications on science and technology are virtually non-existent. In other words, the “religious literacy and achievement”, if we count all the experts in theology and the like, is extremely impressive while the scientific literacy remains the lowest in the entire world – even some sub-Saharan African countries do better than Pakistan on this front.

Is there an end?

What really went wrong? What brought us to the current state of affairs? There are two possible answers.

Firstly, Muslims are poor, illiterate and weak because we have ‘abandoned the divine heritage of Islam’. In order to rectify the situation, we must return to our real or imagined past. Let’s get together and produce more qualifies theologians, bigger places of worship and publish even more religious books.

Second answer could be that Muslims are poor, illiterate and weak because we have refused to change with time.

Keep pace with time — al Quran.

The door is wide open and it is up to us whatever path we wish to tread. I personally am all in favor of the first solution!

(Mohammad Jawad)